Yes, darling. Life sucks

Learning how to cope since 1982

21.2.18

Not dark yet (but it's getting there)

Posted by SunOfYork |

This is a picture I took from our Airbnb flat in Madrid last december. The apartment was warm and cozy, full of memories of the owner's trips and objects coming from the most exotic places, not to mention the lovely blue terrace and what to us looked like hands-down the best view of the city.
And yet I took this picture and I vividly recall my thinking of an objective correlative of some sort: the dark clouds standing out against a dull grey sky and a sudden wind slamming the windows shut and knocking over the fat plants. It all makes sense now. They were there as a warning of my endless ability to reset and nullify every effort to be something a bit better than a loose cannon. They were there to remind me of how easy it is to lose your balance and hurt the people you love - believe me, it literally takes a bunch of words and 10 to 30 seconds tops to alter the course of a life - and how fragile a thing happiness is.
I was reminded of this picture this morning by the same livid sky while I was taking a walk in this minefield that is my town (not that I will ever consider this town as mine, but still) and my brain was going around in circles. 
I'm trying hard. I try to do things that keep me focused: I swim, I read, I teach, I talk, God knows if for the first time in my life I'm getting things off of my chest. Cannot say it's working now, but eventually it will. And the awareness of how sooner or later I will sort things out is bittersweet and redeeming at the same time. It's been a long time -about 10 years I'd say - since I fooled myself into thinking of human joys and sorrows as something absolute and everlasting: we all try our best, we all make mistakes, sometimes we forgive and forget, sometimes we don't. Sometimes all we want is a place to be, a shelter from the storm, as someone would say. Sometimes we're out in the cold.

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